The “F” Word
I don’t know what it was, but there was something very special about her. Maybe it’s the way she smells (like fresh summer flowers), or it was the warmth of her hug that made me feel so safe, or the way she caressed my hair. Maybe it was the way she would put both of her warm hands on my cheek, maybe it was the way she leaned in and kissed my nose. Maybe it was the sound of her voice or the way the smile never left her face. Maybe it was the way she would bring me goodies, and we would walk hand in hand everywhere we went. Maybe it was just ALL of it. I loved my grandma so much. She was everything to me growing up.
When I got older and moved to the US, I got to spend several weeks with her when she visited us from Korea. Those feelings of warmth I felt as a child about my grandma all came back to me. My dad drove all of us around to show her the vastness of the desert beauty of where we lived. She sat in the back seat of our mustang with me, holding hands, of course, and hummed a beautiful tune of something I wasn’t familiar with… all I remember was that she was at peace, she was happy, and she loved me so much. What I didn’t know was that she was suffering pain from the cancer which had spread throughout her body, and that this would be the last time I would see her.
We lived in a small apartment with thin walls, and I would be awakened in the middle of the night by a soft sobbing sound from my mom and dad’s bedroom. It was my mom. I could hear her cry, and she would often call out “umma” in her shaky voice, which means “mama” in Korean. She longed for her. I would lay there with my eyes open, staring at the ceiling, not knowing how to comfort my mom but just wishing that her sadness would subside and she would go to sleep soon. I missed her too, but something tells me that the way my mom loved her was beyond the depth of my comprehension.
We all have a different definition of what the “f” word “family” means to us. Some of us were fortunate enough to equate the word “family” to words like unconditional love, support, guidance, warmth, security… but for some of us, it can be a trigger word that can bring memories of deep pain and wounds… maybe even the other “f” word.
One of the artists I follow, Jackie Liu, stated this about her own childhood: “I always felt a void where family was supposed to be. For years I had no shoulders to cry on, no arms to carry me. Holidays, birthdays, and milestones ached with the absence of celebration. There were no Thanksgiving gatherings, no birthday dinners, no movie marathons, or board game nights. I needed care, nurturing, and safety. I couldn’t find it in my household, so I had to find it elsewhere. I had to forge the genealogy of my own.”
So, this begs the question. What’s the definition of family for you? Some say family is unconditional love (is this even humanly possible?). Some say family is that 3 am phone call. Some say family is foundationally their strongest relationships, family is comfort, family is trust, family is security. It doesn’t have to be biological, and it doesn’t have to be perfect; family is simply the people that you love and those that love you back.
I love my grandma. It’s been 40 years since I last saw her, but I remember her like it was yesterday. She defined what family is for me. Family is holding hands, driving through the vastness of the desert, humming a beautiful tune, at peace, happy, and in love.
Wishing you the best of the holidays surrounded by family. At peace, happy, and in love.
It’s None of My Business
Have you heard of that thought-provoking question people often ask in a “get-to-know” group setting? “What would you do with your life if money wasn’t an issue?” It’s a fair question. It will definitely help you look deep within and even examine your current life status and purpose. This can often lead to asking yourself another question… “Why am I doing what I am doing?”
But, I have a better thought-provoking question for you. But first, a story.
I immigrated to the US when I was 10 years old with my mom, my dad, and my older sister. We were a happy family of 4. My dad is a dreamer and wanted something better for himself and for us. I remember vividly the excitement of this new life. I am also a dreamer, and I’ve always dreamt of experiencing America to the fullest—the richness, the endless opportunities, the gigantic malls, the beautifully developed communities… oh, and Disneyland. I couldn’t wait to go there.
Turns out, the transition to the whole new, unknown world isn’t as easy as it seems. And the dreams that were so visible weren’t as reachable as shown in the movies. In fact, looking back, that very transition became one of the toughest and most painful journeys I’ve experienced in my life. Not only as a kid experiencing rejection and being bullied for the first time at school, but lots were happening at home. There’s an unbearable amount of pressure and burden from my parents. Whether spoken or unspoken… or even sometimes screamed in my face, I soon realized that I carried the hope and the fulfillment of their “dreams” which rested on my tiny little shoulders. Was that even fair?
Looking back, these traumatic years re-shaped my core as a person. I learned to live my life on other people’s terms. They determined my identity. They determined my purpose. They determined my happiness. They determined how I should live my life. I didn’t want that to happen… it just did. What “they” thought of me mattered. It mattered so much.
I heard this quote about 10 years ago that made me think, and it goes like this…
“At 20, you care what everyone is thinking about you. At 40, you don’t give a damn what people are thinking about you. At 60, you realize no one is thinking about you.”
It’s kinda funny, isn’t it? I think there’s some truth to it. In fact, I think I am in the 2nd stage of life where I am learning to care less about what others think about me, and let me tell you, it’s been very freeing. Along the same thought, I heard this quote which I think is so profound and even more freeing in a way.
“What others think about you is none of your business.”
Whoa!!
Don’t get me wrong. This is not a license to be a complete jerk because you don’t care what others think about you anymore, but it’s a way to look deep within and be true to yourself and to rediscover yourself and to be confident in who you are.
So, here’s my second thought-provoking question that you’ve been waiting for. “What would you do with your life if you didn’t care what others thought about you?” If that’s hard to answer, let’s phrase it like this. “What would you do with your life if no matter what you did, others will think the best of you.”
We have work to do. We have our dreams to dream, goals to reach, people to love, purpose to fulfill, lives to live. We don’t have time to waste any of our precious energy being bullied by the naysayers or those critics of you. Because, you know what? What they think of me is none of my business. Carry on.
Don’t Give Up, Find the Way!
As I approach an age where I inquire about a separate senior citizen menu at restaurants, I’m searching for heroes in my own age group. What’s the point of having audacious goals if they’re simply physically impossible? For instance, most PGA professionals on tour and the young whipper-snapper high school/college golfers are hitting the ball past 300 yards with swing speeds of 120+ mph. Meanwhile, mine is in the 90s, and I can only manage to drive 230 yards at most. My dream of hitting the ball past 300 yards is long gone. Poof! Gone. It’s never going to happen. It’s physically impossible.
Or is it?
If you’ve been following my series on “Inspiration,” do I have a story for you! In fact, I’ve shared this story many times, and I revisit this video every year. Also, the documentary just came out, and I’ve finished watching it. Something about it pumps me up and makes me say out loud, “I am going to find a way!”
Diana Nyad is an American long-distance swimmer. She gained international fame for her extraordinary achievements in open-water swimming. One of her most notable accomplishments came in 2013 when, at the age of 64 (yes, you heard that right), she became the first human to swim from Cuba to Florida without the aid of a shark cage. To this day, no one else has accomplished this feat.
Her journey to achieve this extraordinary feat was marked by determination and perseverance—no kidding. She attempted the swim multiple times throughout her career, facing challenges such as dangerous sea conditions, jellyfish stings, and extreme exhaustion.
Despite setbacks, she remained committed to her goal and finally succeeded by swimming approximately a 110-mile stretch in about 53 hours. Yes, you heard that right—53 straight hours of swimming in the open sea. Pure determination, pure will, and pure courage!
Her achievement at an age when many consider retiring and ordering from a discounted menu has made her an inspirational figure, showcasing the power of resilience and the human spirit. Diana Nyad’s life story is not only one of athletic triumph but also a testament to the idea that age should not be a barrier to pursuing one’s dreams.
She’s also an incredible communicator and speaker. She has now written a book and continues to inspire many through her words of wisdom. Here are some of my favorite quotes that she lives her life by:
“When you achieve your dreams, it’s not so much about what you get; it’s about who you’ve become in achieving them.” Diana emphasizes the value of the journey, independent of the ultimate outcome. The pursuit of a dream is meaningful in its own right, regardless of whether the final destination is reached. For her, it was extra sweet for reaching the ultimate outcome.
This quote particularly speaks to me: “You can chase your dreams at any age – you are never too old!” Amen to that.
And how about this last quote: “Never, ever give up. Find a way.” This resonates beyond the realm of sports and swimming. It’s a reminder that in the pursuit of anything, there will be hurdles. But the key is to remain resilient, resourceful, and persistent. We have to focus, be creative, and be determined until we find a way.
Let’s find a way.
Here’s a TED Talk she did after her incredible feat that I watch every year. I hope you take the time to watch, listen and be inspired.
What I Learned From a Quote From an Avalanche Survivor
I grew up in Reno. When you want to travel to Lake Tahoe to witness the breathtaking views of the lake surrounded by snowcapped mountains during the summer or just simply want to take on the black diamond ski slopes during the winter, you fly into Reno. Tahoe is just hop-skip away to the wonders of Lake Tahoe and Reno is the closest city to have an international airport. In fact, as a kid growing up, we consider the ski slopes of Tahoe our own backyard. There’s a Junior Ski program that takes a bus full of kids every Saturday 30 minutes to the closest ski resort to get them started mastering the slopes early in their childhood. Our high school had a downhill ski team that competed against other schools in the county and some went on to become a professional skiers. All that to say, ski culture in Reno is second to none.
So, when I saw the trailer for this Feature Length Documentary called BURIED, based on the 1982 avalanche in Alpine Meadows (ski resort at Tahoe know for incredible summit-to-base groomed grails and panoramic views of Lake Tahoe and the peaks of the Sierra Nevada), I was intrigued and just had to watch it. Here it is…
In 1982, a massive avalanche had crashed into the base area of the ski resort after a four-day storm which had dumped close to eight feet of snow along with 100 mile per hour winds. The resort was closed but a few employees remained at the headquarters. And at 3:45 pm a tidal wave of snow came down and destroyed the building and buried the parking lot killing seven innocent lives. Here’s a crazy part of this story (warning: spoiler alert), one woman named Anna Conrad was found alive after being buried in the snow for a total of five days. She was located by a trained search dog, a German Shepard named Bridget. It took total of 117 hours for her to be found. It was a miracle beyond miracle that she was alive. She had been trapped in the second floor of a three-story ski lift building. She crawled into a space between all debris and a bench, surviving on melted snow.
When asked later while she was waiting to be rescued for 5 days if she ever gave up hope. “No.” She said. “I knew they would come” She never lost hope.
After this traumatic experience, the recovery back to the norm obviously wasn’t easy for her. She was dealing with the loss of her friends and the loss of the love of her life. At the same time, she was also trying to overcome survivor’s guilt of asking why. On top of that, the tough news she was told was that she would have to have her right leg amputated.
As devastating as that new way, this is how she responded. “What happened to me was a fantastic miracle, I can’t believe that I made it. It’s like so many miracles occurred all at once to save me, it’s just…it’s overwhelming. Learning about my leg amputation was very hard at first, but I decided there was no use being depressed, I was going to have to live with it so I might as well accept it.”
In the spirit of our new series “Inspiration”, I wanted to share this incredible survival story of Anna with you. I walked away from this documentary being reminded once again the fragility of life. And beyond that, I was inspired by her never giving up hope through one of the most hopeless circumstances. But most of all, I am inspired by her attitude of gratefulness and putting it all into perspective in the midst of her own painful journey. Her courage to accept, her courage to hope and her courage to live is inspiring. Are you inspired? My question now is how will this change and impact me? How will I learn to accept the things that doesn’t show up in my favor and how will I continue to see the hope and be grateful no matter what the circumstance I am facing? I would love to hear your thoughts.
Quotes that Changed Everything
From Ordinary To Extraordinary
For this final installment in our leadership series, we wanted to highlight a leader who embodies all the leadership qualities we’ve discussed. Great leadership is not just about being in charge and having success – the real job of a leader is “moving from being responsible for the job to being responsible for the people,” even when that requires great personal sacrifice. The world desperately needs leaders like that right now.
As I think about the leaders who have impacted me – from teachers, to bosses, to all my heroes – there was one that stood out this week, someone who definitely belongs in the BOS Media Hall of Fame. His name is Jim Valvano.
If you have some time, the best way to learn about Jim Valvano’s leadership is through the movie Survive and Advance through ESPN+. It takes his experience as a college basketball coach, in particular in an unbelievably March Madness tournament run in 1982, and maps it with his own personal battle with cancer. “Survive and advance” became the story of his life both on and off the court.
If you don’t have ESPN+, you can get a glimpse into his story from this speech, when he was presented the Arthur Ashe Award for Courage on this exact date 29 years ago.
When I think about that speech, I always remember the simple advice he said would make every day successful. It’s summed up in three things:
- Number one is laugh.
- Number two is think – spend some time in thought.
- Number three, you should have your emotions move you to tears. “If you laugh, think and cry, that’s a heck of a day.”
Hearing this again, I thought about the BOS Media meetings we had this week, and the times our team got to laugh, think and cry together. It made me so proud to think of how we’re actually getting to live this out. This type of success really is so simple if we give ourselves time to make it a priority.
Which leads to my favorite story about Jim Valvano, which summarizes so much of who he was as a leader, as well as some of the most important values in my own life and work. It was a quote he heard at age 16 from Olympic Champion Bob Richards that shaped everything about who he would become:
“God must love ordinary people, because he made so many of us. Yet every single day, in every walk of life, ordinary people accomplish extraordinary things.”
Looking back at all the people Jim Valvano impacted, and his legacy as a leader, I think it all came down to one thing: he actually believed those words. He instilled that belief into people every time he walked into the room. As he said throughout his life, “the greatest gift you can give to someone is to believe in them.”
I hope you do something extraordinary today. But most importantly, I hope you’re a leader who believes the ordinary people around you really can be extraordinary.
What I Never Knew About Leadership
I always thought that in order to be an amazing leader and a successful entrepreneur, you have to be driven, ambitious, extremely creative, and charismatic. While some of that might be true and can definitely help…I am now convinced that great leadership and entrepreneurship rely on a very different set of skills:
People skills.
That’s the takeaway we’ve learned over and over as we listen to the best business leaders: Leadership is no longer about you – it’s about serving someone else. It’s not about how great you are or how well you get the job done. You are now measured by how great your team is and how well they are thriving and doing the work.
So let’s get practical. If you want to be a great leader in your organization, your title needs to change. From now on, think of yourself as:
Chief Goal Officer.
Instead of pushing to be that charismatic, driven, creative person who’s trying to get everyone on board your mission, think about THEIR mission. How can you help the people you work with find the best path for THEM, for what THEY want to accomplish?
The worst advice you can give someone is what YOU would do, not what they should do. You’re not them. The thing that works for you might now work for everyone. In fact, it could actually screw them up really badly.
So what does it mean to step into a new role as Chief Goal Officer? Here are three key elements:
- ONE WORD. It starts by getting to know your people – how are they wired? I’m not saying you’re going to understand everything about them, but start with this: What is their One Word? What is the core value that drives them?
- FIND THEIR AMBITION, If you know what’s motivating them, from there you can look to the future. What is the dream that they’re pursuing down the road? How can you help them get there?
- RUN A PARALLEL PATH. How can you connect their current work to the goal ahead? Make that path visible for them, and be a stepping stone toward their success. So many of us operate like we’re afraid to lose people when we should actually be celebrating – if we do this right, we get to be part of seeing a lot of dreams become reality.
As we wrap up, I would love to hear about what you think great leadership is.
- Who’s a great leader in your life?
- What skills do they possess?
- Why does that make you thrive in what you do?
Please share your thoughts with me and let’s keep learning together!
Everyone Loves An Optimist (But Not A Micromanager)
To truly understand this subject line, you have to take 12 minutes and watch one of the best leadership videos in the history of TED.
In the meantime, I’ll offer you a summary on behalf of all the optimists here at BOS Media: we believe things can be better when leaders step up and stop micromanaging.
Last week, we talked about the difference between a leader and a manager. In his TED talk, Chieh Huang gives a funny but sadly all too true definition of micromanagement:
“What is micromanagement? Taking great, wonderful and imaginative people, bringing them into an organization, and crushing their souls.”
“Crushing their souls” might sound dramatic, but he actually had the data to back it up. A study that followed 100 hospital workers over a 12-hour day found that their level of fatigue was not correlated with the amount of activity during their shift; the ones who felt the most fatigued were the ones who didn’t have control over their jobs.
Micromanagement wears people out.
But as we talked about last week, there is a risk that leaders must be willing to take if they’re going to graduate from being micromanagers. There is a chance that, on their own, people below you might fail more.
But ask yourself: is failure really the worst thing? It doesn’t mean we have to “celebrate failure,” but what if it’s a necessary milestone on the mission toward success? Most of the wisdom we gain over the years comes by learning from our mistakes – is it really so bad to let people have those experiences?
Chieh ultimately came to a realization in his conversion from being a micromanager – while the downside is people might fail more often, the upside is smart, imaginative people who don’t have their souls crushed might come up with new ideas that you would have never thought of. They might not do the job exactly the way you would have… they might do it better.
In the end, the only solution to micromanagement is: to trust.
Here’s to not crushing people’s souls!
Why Your Company Needs A Leader, Not A Manager
Have you ever had a job that you were just crushing? You were so good at it that eventually, you got promoted!! Well, congratulations! You are now a manager, managing people…which is fine, but soon, you’ll realize it’s an entirely different skillset AND mindset. Yikes!
Last week, we kicked off a new series about leadership. It comes after we took some time looking at the origin stories of some very successful companies. Almost all of them “started from the bottom” before reaching their goal; for this month, our question is: What did they learn when they got to the top?
One of the most important things to note is the TRANSITION that needs to occur between the bottom and the top. An executive coach I respect phrases it this way: “What got you here won’t get you there.”
Here’s how the leadership gurus understand it: Most people rise to the top by being good at their jobs. You go to school and get training so you can show up to work and be competent. If you’re good, you get promoted, which means you’re now in charge of the people doing the job you used to do.
And this is how micro-managers are born. The reason they’re over people’s shoulders making their subordinates feel like they can do the job better is because they can do the job better – that’s why they were promoted. But they haven’t made an important transition as they moved from the bottom to the top.
“What got you here won’t get you there.”
The real job of a leader is not being in charge. The real job of a leader is taking care of the people in our charge. That’s the transition that separates a leader and a manager – moving from being responsible for the job to being responsible for the people.
Here’s the challenge: this transition requires great personal sacrifice. It means when things go right, leaders give away the credit to others. When things go wrong, leaders take the blame and give the people whose mistake it was even more chances, even though the leader is the one with the most to lose.
The reality is, it’s easier to micro-manage, accept credit, and pass blame. But that’s not leadership – it’s what Lawrence J. Peter defined as the Peter Principle: when employees rise to “a level of respective incompetence.”
Managers might be able to do the job better. But they need to be able to look back and remember what it felt like to work at the bottom, and what a difference it makes when the people above you have your back. Leaders have made that transition and now create that environment for the people they’re responsible for.
Remember this statement last week? “People don’t leave companies, they leave bosses.” If you want to create a safe environment and culture for your team to thrive, don’t manage, lead. How? Care for your team, protect your team, fight for your team, trust your team, empower your team, inspire your team…that’s the new role that will serve you and your company well in the long run.
That’s leadership.
My Worst Boss Ever
A long, long time ago, I was a young dad with 2 little ones and working for a large company as an engineer. Five years into my employment, our company hired a new director to oversee our department. He was a sought-after, seasoned executive that came from our biggest competitor. He held secrets to our new success and was highly ambitious. We started doing some innovative research & design projects to revolutionize the way our product functioned and looked. He valued my input and seemed to like my work ethic and dedication to my job. These were exciting times.
Do you know what else was exciting? Our planned family vacation to Disneyland was coming up in a few weeks. We purchased the airline tickets and had the entire week planned out in beautiful and sunny Southern California! I couldn’t wait to see Mickey and Minnie and introduce them to my little ones.
Well, the two exciting events came to a crashing halt when he told me that my family might have to go without me. He told me this a couple of days before my vacation. He said he felt uneasy that I was leaving in the middle of our project and he would let me know for sure if I could go when he feels better about it. He dragged on making his decision to allow me to go on my vacation until just 2 hours before the flight. Can you believe that? While I was at work, my entire family was all packed at home, anxiously waiting and hoping for the approval to go. They weren’t going to go without me.
This type of controlling behavior from my boss continued for years. I can honestly say that he was the worst boss ever.
Have you heard of this saying? “People don’t leave companies, they leave bosses.” I believe there’s a great truth to that. I also believe that there are dream bosses who can be instrumental in your own personal growth and job satisfaction. They become unforgettable.
I love good leadership. I also despise bad leadership. Your mental health, your motivation, your productivity, your energy, your happiness, and your success can depend on who is leading you. So, how about we dedicate this month to learning to be good leaders? I look forward to sharing what makes a great boss and how you can positively impact someone’s life…forever.
Excited? Me too. Stay tuned…
